Following up on my last post, the question that I ended on has been lingering in my mind. Perhaps I got the wording wrong… something just isn’t sitting right.
As much as I feel like I’m on track with this whole life-design thing, I’m constantly reminded that it’s an ongoing process. You’ve got to keep your head in it, at least in this ‘training wheel’ stage. It isn’t some drag’n’drop, plug’n’play type deal.
It’s easy to fall back in to the old habits of a couple decades worth of programming. Even if you’re working your way in to a new context, falling back on the same thought patterns just means you’re playing a game that looks different on the surface.
In reality you’re still trapped. You’re still just reacting instead of creating.
“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken”
– Chuck Phalinuik (Fight Club)
It’s all about the game you’re playing in your head – not the apparent game that surrounds you. That’s the illusion. Even if you end up a milionaire with a fancy car and a holiday home, as long as your mind stays stagnant – you’re stuck. You’ve lost.
The ‘about’ part of your life isn’t the things that surround you. It isn’t the shit you have (or don’t have). It’s the inner-understanding you have of your reality. It’s the moment-to-moment appreciation of what’s going on around you; all we really have is moments.
The way I see it, unless you can be content with what you have now and where you are, you’ll struggle to achieve anything more with any real integrity because you’ll just be running. You’ll just be grasping, trying to avoid what it is you can’t face. It won’t last, and you’ll still have that sinking, clawing feeling whenever you truly look within yourself.
I don’t think the point of designing your lifestyle should be that you can say hey look, I have this and that sort of life. It shouldn’t be an about, or a blurb or story. It should be an experience, and experience only happens now.
Hell, I don’t know if this is making sense to you; it might not even make perfect sense to me yet. I’m writing on the bus, half esteemed and half pissed off. If you take anything from this little rant how about a comment or a like, just to know it makes sense to someone out there.
I feel lost sometimes. Tripped up by my own thoughts, my own words. Caught out by my own mind. Hemmed in by my own freedom. Like I said, right now it’s about constant re-evaluation for me. What do I want my life to be about? Is it even a case of ‘about’ or is that just painting ourselves a pretty picture? Hell, how much say do we even have in our story?
I sometimes feel so sure, then I look up. Out of my books. Away from my phone. Up from the path I’m walking on and I say shit… don’t I look small. Like a flea trying to decide which way the dog runs.
I know the counter arguments to my own thoughts right now too, but hell why even listen? Part of me feels torn, being between these two levels.
Yes, I know, the path we walk in life is never one that we lay each and every brick on. The universe has its hand, and we have ours, and we gamble like a couple of old friends just to put the chips away at the end of the night and say “good game”.
I’m not a victim of my world, nor am I the sole creator. The knowledge that one day I’ll again be part of the all-that-is doesn’r scare me. I battled my death anxiety long ago. I’ve faced it and walked away; It’s living that still sometimes scares me.
I’ll call it a day here before I get any more existential – I forget people don’t like it. Plus, my hands are getting cold.